THE PERFECT CHURCHWARDEN

 

My first churchwarden was a bald‑headed, fun‑filled rascal of a man with a great capacity for enjoying life and a deep respect for God and goodness.  He had a fine sense of humour.  When visiting England he made a pilgrimage to Fountains Abbey, near Ripon, and sent us a post card of its splendid ruins, open and exposed to the elements since Henry VIII's day.  On the back be wrote simply "See what happens when you fart in church!" 

 

He lived some miles out of the Zimbabwean country town of which I was Rector, in a tumble‑down thatch‑roofed house through which, when dining well at his generous table, if positioned rightly, you could see the moon.  He was a teacher of English in the local High School, but he also baby‑sat farms when their owners were away and he was very much an out‑doors man and loved shooting. 

 

Rotten Duck

He once brought us a knob‑billed duck he had shot, telling me that he had hung it for the necessary number of days to make it melt in the mouth. I asked him to come in and share it with us the next evening.  First it had to be plucked and it was while this was being done that I realised what a mistake I had made in asking him to share it.  As it was plucked the bird filled the house with the smell of putrefaction, and when naked it was mottled with evil Episcopal purple patches of the sort that augur badly for a parson's future.  Had he not been coming to share it with us I would have buried it.  Necessity, indeed a true mother of invention, encouraged Margaret, my wife, to marinade it's rottenness into a mysterious and triumphant richness of flavour that made for the most delicious casserole “Canard Sauvage et Pourri!

 

A Good Sermon Critic

He was a high church man of a very pleasing Anglican sort, with a healthy suspicion of all things papal. Perhaps this was because his wife was a Roman Catholic and to acquiesce to any sort of infallible backing in the one who had promised to obey him, no matter how far removed, seemed folly indeed!  He listened appreciatively and carefully to my sermons and analysed my style and technique for me.  In those days my favoured ploy was to spend the first half of a sermon setting up an elaborate and well constructed aunt sally, and the second half demolishing it with eloquent and triumphant thoroughness.  It was he who first pointed this out to me, causing me occasionally to turn to other approaches and techniques.

 

His wife, like him, was a teacher.  She taught a few thousand miles away in a neighbouring country.  They got together for the school holidays!  This is an arrangement that might well improve not a few difficult marriage relationships.   He once went to pick her up at the airport and sat waiting for her with a newly purchased wig on his extremely bald pate.  She came out, looked about for him and of course didn't recognise him.  She then noticed this strange man who kept winking at her and gave him a disapproving look for doing so.  Only then did the penny drop and she recognised him.  The wig he called his "wee beastie", and it was only worn for comic effect, never in vanity.

 

 

I don't think I have ever had a churchwarden who I have disliked or didn't get on with, but this one, Roy Eakins, was my favourite.  It was my first parish, our first two children were born while we were there, and the clergy, by Australian standards, were very poorly paid.  He was a man who took us under his wing personally, and my two little boys got to know him and love him, as did Margaret my wife.  After Church on Sundays he would plonk himself down on our settee and read the paper, the boys causing him mock annoyance by lifting the paper up to peek at him ("peeking at Eakin") and present him with a book of their choice and a request to read.    In a solemn and quiet moment at one service the younger boy suddenly shouted out for all to hear and in consternation: "Where Eakin?"  He was not there for some reason, perhaps because he was harassing some poor duck with a shot gun, though he was not sports mad enough ever to put sport before his Sunday duties, and so would have been to the early service if indeed out hunting.

 

Someone of influence and weight in every parish needs to keep a benign eye on the parson's family's welfare.  Too often the so called "Rector's Warden" is chosen merely for political reasons, for his ability or propensity to take up the Rector's favourite causes, to offer support in Parish Council conflicts.  It is far better and more valuable if he is elected to become, in so far as is possible or allowed, a surrogate member of the rectory family, not to pry, interfere or intrude, but simply to befriend and love and see to the welfare of the whole family unit, upon which the effectiveness of a rector so vitally depends.  To be able to do this a Rector's Warden needs to be wise, experienced, tolerant, discreet and thoroughly in Christ.... Eakins was all of this and more.

 

 

 

I don't think I have ever had a churchwarden who I have disliked or didn't get on with, but this one, Roy Eakins, was my favourite.  It was my first parish, our first two children were born while we were there, and the clergy, by Australian standards, were very poorly paid.  He was a man who took us under his wing personally, and my two little boys got to know him and love him, as did Margaret my wife.  After Church on Sundays he would plonk himself down on our settee and read the paper, the boys causing him mock annoyance by lifting the paper up to peek at him ("peeking at Eakin") and present him with a book of their choice and a request to read.    In a solemn and quiet moment at one service the younger boy suddenly shouted out for all to hear and in consternation: "Where Eakin?"  He was not there for some reason, perhaps because he was harassing some poor duck with a shot gun, though he was not sports‑mad enough ever to put sport before his Sunday duties, and so would have been to the early service if indeed out hunting.

 

Someone of influence and weight in every parish needs to keep a benign eye on the parson's family's welfare.  Too often the so‑called "Rector's Warden" is chosen merely for political reasons, for his ability or propensity to take up the Rector's favourite causes, to offer support in Parish Council conflicts.  It is far better and more valuable if he is elected to become, in so far as is possible or allowed, a surrogate member of the rectory family, not to pry, interfere or intrude, but simply to befriend and love and see to the welfare of the whole family unit, upon which the effectiveness of a rector so vitally depends.  To be able to do this a Rector's Warden needs to be wise, experienced, tolerant, discreet and thoroughly in Christ.... Eakins was all of this and more.

 

The Perfect Church Warden

What better proof of his wisdom could there be than his appreciation of my sermons!  He sent us, out of the blue some years ago, a letter‑tape, on which he declared that he missed my sermons.  That is appreciation for you!  That is love for you!  That is madness of the sort that makes for the perfect churchwarden!